Behold the Kickmen
Released Jul 2017
BEHOLD THE KICKMEN is a football game made by someone who has no understanding of, or interest in, what is affectionately known as "The Wonderful Game". Start at the bottom of the Big Boring Football Spreadsheet and grind your way up to become the best at the football anyone's ever seen.
77% positive · 525 reviews
Done
All announced content has been released
High confidence
Done
All announced content has been released
High confidence
Where to buy
Steam $0.99 $3.99 −75%
Can't confirm — worth a look
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Evaluation
Behold the Kickmen launched on July 20, 2017 as a self-contained, single-player football parody game. The store description presents it as a complete experience with a full story mode and defined feature set — the developer explicitly noted there is no multiplayer and framed this as a deliberate, finished design choice. The game received post-launch patches (four feature patches and four bug fixes), but there is no record of any named DLC, expansion, or future content roadmap. The most recent news from the developer is a January 14, 2026 announcement for an entirely new game, Earth Must Die — indicating the studio has moved on to a new project. The developer has not posted any content updates for Behold the Kickmen since a February 2020 post about a separate Size Five game (Lair of the Clockwork God). All signs indicate Behold the Kickmen shipped as a complete product and has received no new content since shortly after its 2017 launch.
Evidence
Store description presents a complete feature set — story mode, squad management, two play modes — with an explicit note that single-player only was a deliberate design decision. No mention of planned updates or additional content.
Developer announces an entirely new game, Earth Must Die, launching January 27, 2026. No mention of any ongoing or future work on Behold the Kickmen.
Media
Details
Developer
Publisher
Size Five Games
Achievements
8
Platform
Windows, macOS
Controller
partial support
Steam Deck
Playable
Players
Single-player
About this game
BEHOLD THE KICKMEN started as a silly Twitter joke, and evolved like a beautiful flower into the year's least-exciting and mostly-incorrect Football Simulation. It's football, as seen through the eyes of someone with no understanding of, or interest in, the Laws of Football.
Start at the bottom of the Big Boring British Football Spreadsheet system and grind your way up, gruelling match after gruelling match, to become the best at the football that anyone's ever seen, and win the World Cup for your mantelpiece.
FEATURES: Kicking, Passing, Tackling, Squad Management and Doing Goals over and over. There's even a full Story mode, crammed with overblown melodrama and inane decisions to be made.
TWO WAYS TO PLAY! Hate football? No problem! The entire game can be re-skinned at the flip of a switch into a Dystopian Future Bloodsport!
PLEASE NOTE: Kickmen has NO ONLINE MULTIPLAYER and NO LOCAL MULTIPLAYER, it's Single Player ONLY. Please don't buy it thinking it's at all sociable, because it isn't. Why, you ask? Because I wanted to make a Single Player game, I didn't want to make a Multiplayer game.
Start at the bottom of the Big Boring British Football Spreadsheet system and grind your way up, gruelling match after gruelling match, to become the best at the football that anyone's ever seen, and win the World Cup for your mantelpiece.
FEATURES: Kicking, Passing, Tackling, Squad Management and Doing Goals over and over. There's even a full Story mode, crammed with overblown melodrama and inane decisions to be made.
TWO WAYS TO PLAY! Hate football? No problem! The entire game can be re-skinned at the flip of a switch into a Dystopian Future Bloodsport!
PLEASE NOTE: Kickmen has NO ONLINE MULTIPLAYER and NO LOCAL MULTIPLAYER, it's Single Player ONLY. Please don't buy it thinking it's at all sociable, because it isn't. Why, you ask? Because I wanted to make a Single Player game, I didn't want to make a Multiplayer game.
Are these done yet?
Last evaluated Jun 27, 2026
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